Speechless

Speechless! That about sums it up. Speechless in a good way. Speechless in utter HELPLESSNESS.

You see, I have what I call THE CLOSET PROJECT inside of my house. Having people move in and out pretty much my whole six years of owning it, I have accumulated what at times could appear to be a replica of Mt. Kilamanjaro. Have I ever been there? No! ...but it sounds huge. I mean really, it could KILL A MAN. Sorry, I had to. I could run a school out of my house or pack it all up and move it to another country. Though I am the kind of teacher who could run it with a few whiteboards and notecards. Oh, and post-its. Those are vital. :) So in "finishing" this never-ending project, I discovered that I still had old rosters from my very first youth group I led back in Cedar Falls, Iowa. There were of course pictures, and all the sentimentals you as a leader should save. Google spell check is not liking the fact that sentimental has been turned into a plural, so I may have claimed ownership over a new word. Anyway, the reason I have so much in my closet is because I am keeping two closets worth of stuff in there to leave space for any guests in my house, but also because I find meaning in the littlest things. With my wooden hope chest I've learned to say, "Will my daughter care to see that I have my dried flowers from the prom date whom I asked to prom? Will my daughter care that I have thousands of pictures from college etc?" You get the point. I don't have a daughter, but she has a name in case God ever decides to bless me with a baby girl. Just don't want my kid to carry a name that is associated with that kid in my second grade class who________. Fill in the blank however you wish. As a teacher I had to claim her name early. My husband has no say in that department, but whoever you are don't cry because I've reserved your son's name for you to choose. ...but I do have final say for the same reasons mentioned above.

So, I pulled out those old rosters and wondered how many of my girls would be on Facebook. As it turns out, I found almost every one of them, and they remembered me. My girls are 21, 22 etc. Some are married, some divorced, and some have children. This is 6 years of youth ministry before I dove into prison ministry. That's a lot of kids! I was speechless seeing their beautiful faces, hearing their stories, and finding out that some of them are even going to college at UNI and possibly staying in my dorm.

Digging a little deeper through old files, I discovered letters and pictures from a little girl I met on a TN mission trip back in college. I invested in her for a few years as her life was nowhere close to easy. I became even more speechless as I may have also found her on Facebook. She's sixteen or so now, and possibly has a baby. My babies are having babies long before me. Speechless!

My night ended in utter helplessness as I arrived to the jail to find that my sweet girl had lost her smile. I sat down and with tears welling up in her eyes... I was speechless. It would be on that night that she would have to make a decision for her life. What you have to understand is that I NEVER would have imagined adding the number of words I've had to add to my vocabulary over the years. I never would have imagined that I would carry words like: hearings, motions, plea agreements, trials, sentencing terms, holding cell, or acronyms like TPM. I know them all very well, though I myself have never lived the reality associated with each to the extent of those in my path. I don't know details, and I can't help make life decisions not having those details...so I just show up and do as I'm called. I'm called to get their attention with His truth. In Genesis that job to hate was already filled. I wasn't hired for it. I signed on to love period. All I could think was, "Holy Spirit speak. Give me the words her heart needs most, or call me to silence and I will simply listen." "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Isaiah 30:21. I know nothing of the cases for most of my kids, but I know background when it comes to their childhood. One of my kids was homeless at the age of 9. In moments like these, it feels as if anything coming out would just sound like some kind of Christian bumper sticker. But there's power in, "Look at me! I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere." She knows that unless my unnamed husband takes me to another state, I'm in for the long haul. I'm not gonna lie. It's painful, but you don't walk out on the people you love when it starts to rain. This kid is my heart. I reminded her that if anyone can do _____ years SHE can. That if ____ happens she will accept it and know that for whatever reason she is to be a giant for God on THAT soil. Romans 8:28 reminds us that God works for the good of ALL things. Sometimes you just need to rest in that even when you don't understand it and let your mind and heart catch up. In Warren Wiersbe's book, Be Mature: Growing up in Christ, he says, "Because we are God's "scattered" people and not God's "sheltered" people, we must experience trials." But then he goes on to say that we should be reminded in James 1:1-11 to COUNT, KNOW, LET, and ASK. We prayed and then I entered that LONG hallway telling myself over and over that God works all through the night. I don't know what will happen to some of my kids as some are hoping to get out in 2025, some are just in and out like a revolving door, and others are looking at life and life without parole. God is on EVERY soil. As I always say,"My God is NO smaller today." My pastor, Jason Gerdes, asked us if we would ever consider driving to a jail or prison and offer to be yoked with an inmate. We all have known prison, and some of us can even name our prisons. Why not? If I can't do as he asks literally, I pray that stepping into these stories matters just as much when it comes to Kingdom impact. It's not about me, because I was made FOR Him and BY Him. I just try to love out of the overflow in my life knowing there is nothing I could do to cause Him to love me less and there is ABSOLUTELY nothing I can do to cause Him to love me more. My pastor would say that it's all about His ISness. :)